It is easy to identify a physical boundary. Just take a look at the fence around your yard. You know the line of demarcation that designates where your property ends, and your neighbors yard begins. The area in your responsibility is clear. You have to tend to your yard, and you get to decide what to do with it. Your neighbor’s yard is not your responsibility. It can be much more difficult to identify where you end and someone else begins.

Boundary issues come up in all sorts of ways in relationships, parenting, work and if you are close to someone caught in addiction. If you struggle with saying “No” you may need to assess your boundaries. If you get caught up in family dynamics that leave you feeling drained and like you don’t have a control, it may be helpful to learn about setting boundaries with loved ones. If your job invades all areas of day or night, perhaps for your health and well-being it may be beneficial to “put up a fence” around some time off. A lack of healthy boundaries can increase stress, drain time, energy, finances, cause relational strain and also prevent others from changing. Setting and maintaining clear boundaries can be a beneficial way to provide self-care and increase autonomy.

Types of Boundaries

Emotional: This boundary defines how close we allow others to get to us. It also gives us permission to have our own feelings.

Physical: Physical boundaries are the limits you put in place around your personal space and body. This boundary indicates how, where, when others can physically interact with you.

Mental: Our thoughts are our own. Clear mental boundaries allow your thoughts to be yours and other’s thoughts to be theirs.

Time: Your time is a valuable resource. Lack of time boundaries can cause you to feel like you are being sucked dry or taken advantage of. This can sound like, “Bob I can help you move on Saturday for two hours…I’ll be there at 8:00am.”

Financial/Material:  Financial and material resource boundary crossings are easy to spot. If you lend money and it does not get paid back according to the agreed upon contract, that is a boundary violation.

Boundaries can be overly rigid, or too porous. If you find you feel unsafe, your needs are not being met or like you are being taken advantage of… your boundaries may be weak or porous. A boundary can also be crossed or violated. When this happens, it may be helpful to ask yourself, what contributed to allowing your boundary to be crossed. Was the boundary clear? Was the consequence of not keeping the boundary explicit?

Clarified boundaries can help us flourish in knowing who we are, where we end, and another person begins. Much more can be said about boundaries. But for now, it allows you to do you, there’s freedom in that thought. 

Sara Hoekstra | MA, LLPC