Tag: shame

Spaghetti and Hurt Feelings

I am a pretty clumsy person. Like a keep-an-eye-on-me-around-closed-sliding-glass-doors, probably-should-never-eat-spaghetti-without-a-full-apron-on kind of person. Suffice it to say, my childhood nickname lauded my propensity to accumulate minor bumps and scrapes through incredible feats of un-coordination. I won’t tell you how old I was when I nearly broke my glasses walking into the corner of a doorway instead of through the doorway - although, to be perfectly clear, it was part of the transparent wall of a racquetball court…and that was the problem: it was perfectly clear.

 

Anyway, as my luck would have it, I’m also a pretty relationally-clumsy person. At times I completely miss that I have caused emotional discomfort or harm. I put my foot in my mouth routinely enough that I< ...

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Were you ever told or tell yourself any of the the below statements:

 

“You’ll get over it.”

“Never give up.”

“Stop being so negative.”

“Just be happy.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“You’ll be fine.”

“Look on the bright side.”

 

Have you ever felt misunderstood by your friends and family when you share what you are struggling with? Have you ever felt that what you are going through shouldn’t be so hard and that you need to just get over it and move on? Do you ever find yourself saying positive things that don’t really seem to help the situation?

 

If you answered yes to any of the above questions you are not alone. As humans we often are hardwired to believe that it is not “okay” to feel anything bad or that bad or sad emotions are not okay. Whether we are the ones experiencing the emotion o ...

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I grew up in a culture where opening up emotionally, or being vulnerable, was seen as weakness. It was for the gullible and naive - not the courageous.

Men were discouraged from ever showing sadness or fear. If they did, they were called names and made fun of for being “weak.” The only “negative” emotion that was socially acceptable to show was anger. If the men dared to show any sign of emotional vulnerability, their masculinity (a core identity for many) was instantly placed under public scrutiny.

Likewise, women were labeled as “overly emotional” if they cried in public. Women who were emotionally “stable” were the ones that cried in private and didn’t “make a fuss.” Another way of putting this is that they silenced their hearts and didn’t let others know how they really felt.

Many parents discouraged their children from crying in public to avoid embarrassment around onlookers. Parents cared more about the opini ...

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